I'm in the midst of screening new tenants and am laughing about all the comical absurdities I've noticed throughout the years. It's almost worth making a drinking game out of.

For example, every time the following word/phrase is used by an applicant:

"Fiance". 13 years and I've yet to meet a boyfriend/girlfriend living together.

"I only smoke outside"

"we're working on fixing our credit"

"will you offer rent to own?"

"Looking to move ASAP"

"I have perfect credit"

I don't drink, but I'll add some... :)

"I'm starting a new job next month."

"My credit is bad because of my ex that I divorced."

(Only to find out that they've been divorced for like 10+ years and yet they still have just as terrible credit.)

Do you do credit checks?

Do you do criminal checks? never mind.

Work with me on _________

We don't have any pets.

"I love your place! Is the rent negotiable?"

"It's a lab mix."

"My dogs just sleep all day."

"Don't worry, I'm too old to cause drama. I outgrew that."

"I love to garden. Can I plant flowers?" (Maybe ONE or TWO actually did...)

"No criminal, but I did get a DUI..."

"One eviction. The landlord wouldn't fix anything and there was mold."

" We always leave a place cleaner than we found it"

"I'm good at fixing things/handyman"

I can't pay rent this month because I was in the hospital.

Tenant(s) Will you be watching over us after we move in ?

Me: Like a Beagle on a Rabbit. Dig ?

Tenant(s) How many chances do we get ?

Me: Three. Strike One, Strike Two and Strike Three.

(your outta there!)

My baby's father will not be living with me.

No, I did not flush any (fill in the blank) down the toilet.

It was like that when I moved in.

18 year old college student: I am concerned about the earth and I am doing what I can to help. It is really important that we compost our food waste. It will not attract rodents!

Can I paint...will you buy the paint?

From social assistance tenants....."the rent is guaranteed"

"Hes my boyfriend but he wont be living here"

"No, we/I dont have any pets"

" I am looking for a safe place for my kids" - my answer - Oh I don't think this would be a safe place for your kids.

"I want a quiet place" (because I don't party, drink or smoke and your place out here in the country would be a great place to do that and not have the neighbors call the cops.)

A week after the showing, "Did you rent the place yet?"

Yes. The day of the showing. That's why the ad is gone.

"My credit's not too good. Medical bills."

Hmm. Okay are you that sick? How will you work to pay the regular bills?

"well, um, here's the situation."

"I'm the kind of person, I see a piece of paper on the floor I pick it up."

"My landlord doesn't fix ANYTHING. We have roaches."

My dogs stay outside.

We only smoke outside.

3-4br house:. Nope, it's just me who will live there.

Can you work with me on the deposit? Can I make payments?

I can work for you. I used to work construction.

Hard to control the laughter. If I played that drinking game my liver would be crying.

I have been praying for this....have a blessed day.

"God Bless"

"Have a Blessed Day"

I don't have cats (upon move-in she had a chair covered in white cat hair)

I really am a good person

I am a hard worker

Is this house haunted? I hear noises...

I had to help my ex, so the rent will be late (again)

We don't have any pets (as we entered the house the smell of the nasty cat box just about bowled us over)

We don't smoke in the house (as the yellow/brown garbage oozes out of the walls of their bed & bathroom)

Good thread. Missed only a few ...

" the check is in the mail"

" the rent will ALWAYS be there"

" My car broke down .... how am I supposed to get to work?"

" Had to pay the heat bill ... We have kids"

" Do you near-by?"

Are you the owner?

We keep all 3 dogs in cages, even when we are home.

How soon can I see it? ... Well, I'm not actually even in the state until next weekend.

It's a service animal. I am working on getting paperwork for it.

Can you hold it for 2 months?

How much is the rent? (Seriously, did you even read the ad?)

Are you the owner?

We keep all 3 dogs in cages, even when we are home.

How soon can I see it? ... Well, I'm not actually even in the state until next weekend.

It's a service animal. I am working on getting paperwork for it.

Can you hold it for 2 months?

How much is the rent? (Seriously, did you even read the ad?)

"I'm self-employed." (Can you prove any income? No.)

I've heard this a few times lately: "My social got stolen and ruined my credit but I'm getting it fixed."

"Can I move in April 1st? I know you said it wouldn't be available until May 1st, but I can pay extra."

"Do you offer a six month lease? My job ends in September. No? Okay I'll take a year's lease then." (Umm...no you won't.)

"Don't worry, we're giving the dog away soon"

"I AM A VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT"

The applicant says this as though they are a biblical prophet handing out commandments. I smile and tell them I used to be a bank fraud investigator. Their expression changes from happy to concerned/upset. The questioning goes something like this:

LL - So you say someone used your social and trashed your credit, is that correct?

TENI - Yes, that is right! (very earnest expression)

LL - Did you file a police report or place a fraud warning on your credit report? ( very upset expression, breaks eye contact)

TENI - Uh, no ( shuffling and looks at feet )

LL - If someone trashed my credit I would want them arrested. Why didn't you contact the police?

Tenant after talking with me for 15 minutes and trying to build a nice rapport and charm me with great qualifications says "oh and there is one more small thing". My good feeling instantly gone.

I think I know whats coming next :)

I lived with my mom for the last 2 years and I can afford the rent. Could you work with me on the deposit?

I'm self-employed with a brand-new, guaranteed to make the big bucks marketing idea!

We never have guests.

I quite smoking years ago.

We'll take better care of this place than you do!